About two years ago, I left the New York Conservatory because of financial issues. I had a lot of cheerleaders on my side, though, and a few faculty let me know that I was ready to start auditioning even without my certificate. Armed with a bit of enthusiasm and a lot of desperation, I started scouring Actor's Access, Backstage and, yes, even Craigslist looking for work.
I wasn't union, so some projects were automatically out. I was too old for others, too plain for some, too chubby for everything after gaining 15 lbs in that stinky, loud, misery-inducing city. I pranced around in front of newby NYU film school students trying to get a bit part in a five minute short. I waited in line at 7am by the AEA audition building to get my name first on the list. Then, I waited around in the non-AEA waiting room for nine hours for the casting directors to not call my name. Thrice.
Once, I even took one of those Craigslist gigs for an art gallery opening in Chinatown. For $30, I had to wear a puffy coat and rap Notorious B.I.G's Hipnotize for someone's performance art piece. I still don't get it; must be an art thing.
You might think nothing could be quite as humiliating as pasty white girl trying to rap "Recently niggaz frontin' ain't sayin' nuttin' so I just speak my piece, keep my piece, Cubans with the Jesus piece, with my peeps, packing, asking who want it, you got it nigga flaunt it, that Brooklyn bullshit, we on it".
But... [sigh] you'd be wrong.
I don't even know how it happened. For some reason the casting director had decided to hold an open audition right after the Christmas holidays. This was about a week after I dropped out of school so the glow of the craft was still lingering about me. I was oozing confidence. This should have been my first sign.
My audition was for just after noon. I was trying out for the role of the maid--a part I mistakenly assumed would be the perfect Broadway break-out role for fabulous me! Auditioners were asked to prepare a one minute monologue from a Noel Coward play. And I did. The night before. Let this be a lesson to all aspiring actors.
I arrived promptly and attired in my most handsome, maid-inspiring audition-wear. After about 20 minutes, I was ushered into a small room with a man sitting behind a table beaming. I introduced myself and my piece to the very handsome (and patient, and KIND) casting director. And then, something happened. Or rather, didn't.
I got the first two lines out. Then I looked at the wall and the voice inside my head said "you're auditioning for a broadway play, you nitwit". Then, the voice coming out of my mouth stumbled in a terrible British accent and I thought, "What did I just say?!!". Like a terrible feedback loop, my brain kept distracting my mouth, but words kept coming out. My cognizant, self-aware actor brain said very loudly and clearly "STOP!".
Still, nothing. Words, they were coming. My brain started to wage war against my mouth:
"He knows everything about Noel Coward. He knows I just screwed up."
Yep, still with the words.
"You have humiliated yourself on Broadway--SHUT UP!"
"But there are these words and they sound clever if I keep breathing and making things up in a bad British dialect!"
"Dear lord, what the hell did I just say?!" Ya, take that brain. I'm still making shit up. And the nonsense just keeps coming...
"For the sake of all things holy, thank the nice man and LEAVE!"
Unfortunately, words continued to spill out. For-ever. I was improvising Noel Coward. Alone. Talking to a wall. In a tiny white room with a handsome man behind a desk judging me. Too humiliated to stop, too humiliated to keep going, too humiliated to look at him or the window, or the floor. Ya, just me and the wall and my brain and my mouth in one big, screwed up performance.
SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!
Finally, after what felt like several painful hours wearing wet socks and drinking sherry with an aunt that smells like buttermilk, I shut up. Sheepishly, I lowered my gaze, mumbled "mankyou" and left the room.
And that is the story of how I did not get cast as Edith in the 2009 Broadway revival of Blithe Spirit featuring Angela Landsbury, Rupert Everett, and Christine Ebersole.
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